Expert reveals the three red flag phrases that narcissists will say to you

When you’re in a relationship, it’s not always easy to spot the red flags that might indicate you’re dealing with a narcissist. But what if you knew exactly what to listen for? An expert has revealed the top three red flag phrases that narcissists often use. These seemingly innocent statements are designed to deflect blame, manipulate emotions, and shift the focus away from their own behavior. You might be surprised by how familiar some of these phrases sound—and what they truly mean.

Understanding Narcissism: Why Words Matter

Before we dive into the specific phrases, it’s essential to understand why narcissists use language as a tool for manipulation. Narcissists thrive on control. They have a deep need to maintain a positive self-image at all costs, even if that means distorting reality or manipulating the people closest to them. One of their favorite methods? Using language that shifts responsibility and makes you doubt yourself.

By recognizing these phrases, you can better protect yourself from emotional manipulation and start setting healthy boundaries.

Phrase 1: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

At first glance, this might sound like a perfectly reasonable response. But look a little closer, and you’ll see it’s a classic example of a non-apology. When a narcissist says, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” they’re not actually taking responsibility for their actions. Instead, they’re deflecting the blame back onto you and making you feel guilty for having an emotional reaction.

This phrase is designed to invalidate your feelings. The narcissist isn’t apologizing for what they did—they’re apologizing that you have feelings about it. It’s a clever way to avoid accountability while making you feel like you’re the one overreacting.

A more genuine response would sound like this: “I understand why you’re upset, and I want to work on fixing the problem.” But narcissists rarely offer that kind of emotional openness.

Phrase 2: “You have anger issues.”

Ah, the classic blame-shifting move. When a narcissist accuses you of having anger issues, what they’re really doing is trying to turn the tables. Instead of addressing their own behavior, they make the argument about your emotional reaction.

This tactic can be incredibly frustrating because it puts you on the defensive. Suddenly, instead of discussing what they did wrong, you find yourself justifying your anger. And let’s be honest—everyone gets angry from time to time, especially when they’re being mistreated. But the narcissist doesn’t want to acknowledge that. By labeling you as “out of control,” they dodge accountability and make it about your supposed emotional instability.

If someone is consistently deflecting their actions by accusing you of being too emotional, it’s a huge red flag. Healthy relationships involve open communication and mutual respect, not blame-shifting and emotional manipulation.

Phrase 3: “You ruined it.”

Here’s the ultimate guilt trip. Whether it’s a ruined dinner, a ruined weekend, or a ruined relationship, this phrase is meant to make you feel like the bad guy for simply speaking up about a problem. In the narcissist’s mind, it’s not their behavior that’s the issue—it’s the fact that you dared to mention it.

This phrase is especially damaging because it conditions you to stay silent. Over time, you may start to believe that bringing up problems will only lead to conflict, so you stop addressing them altogether. This is exactly what the narcissist wants: a partner who stays quiet and doesn’t challenge their behavior.

It’s important to remember that in a healthy relationship, both people should feel safe to express their concerns. If your partner consistently makes you feel like addressing issues will “ruin” things, they’re using guilt as a form of control.

Why Narcissists Use These Phrases

These phrases are all designed to achieve one thing: keeping the narcissist in control. By deflecting blame, invalidating your emotions, and shifting the focus onto your supposed flaws, they can avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior. The result? You’re left feeling confused, frustrated, and powerless.

Narcissists rely on these tactics because they struggle with vulnerability. They can’t stand the idea of being wrong or being seen in a negative light. So, they manipulate conversations to ensure they always come out on top.

How to Respond When You Hear These Red Flag Phrases

Now that you know what to look out for, how should you respond when you hear one of these red flag phrases?

1. Stay calm. Narcissists thrive on emotional reactions, so don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing you upset.
2. Set boundaries. Make it clear that you won’t tolerate manipulative language or blame-shifting.
3. Don’t engage. Sometimes the best response is no response at all. Walking away from a toxic conversation is a powerful way to take back control.
4. Seek support. If you’re dealing with a narcissistic partner, it can be incredibly helpful to talk to a therapist or trusted friend who can provide perspective and guidance.

Conclusion: Recognize the Red Flags and Protect Your Emotional Health

Narcissists use language as a powerful weapon, but by recognizing these red flag phrases, you can take steps to protect yourself from emotional manipulation. “I’m sorry you feel that way,” “You have anger issues,” and “You ruined it” are all common tactics designed to deflect blame and make you question your own emotions.

If you hear these phrases in your relationship, take a step back and assess whether the other person is truly interested in working through conflicts—or if they’re simply trying to maintain control. Remember, healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, empathy, and open communication, not manipulation and blame-shifting.

In the end, the best way to deal with a narcissist is often to disengage. Protect your emotional health and surround yourself with people who value and respect you.