Talking about s** can be awkward in the early stages of dating, but if you’re waiting until marriage to have s**, it’s a conversation you’ll want to have with any potential partner. For many, physical intimacy and personal values play a massive role in relationship compatibility, so sharing your stance on this topic is essential. But how do you bring it up without making things uncomfortable? Take a deep breath—experts agree that this conversation doesn’t have to be nerve-wracking. In this article, we’ll cover practical tips on how to approach this delicate subject with confidence and clarity.
Why Waiting Until Marriage Is Perfectly Valid
Let’s get one thing straight: choosing to wait until marriage to have s** is a valid and personal decision, just as valid as choosing to engage in consensual, safe s** before marriage. Everyone has the right to decide what intimacy means to them and when they feel ready to experience it. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to relationships, so don’t let anyone make you feel pressured to conform to their standards.
Understanding your reasons for waiting can help you express them confidently. When you’re clear about your values, it makes the conversation with your date feel more natural and less forced. So, reflect on your choice and be prepared to communicate it in a way that highlights what this decision means to you.
Timing the Conversation: When to Bring It Up
One of the most common questions people have is, “When should I tell my date?” While there’s no hard and fast rule, timing is everything. You don’t need to bring this up on the first date unless it feels right. However, once you start feeling a deeper connection with someone, or if things seem to be moving toward physical intimacy, it’s wise to let them know.
1. Don’t Wait Until Things Get Heated
According to Dr. Joshua Klapow, a clinical psychologist, having this conversation before things get physical is crucial. If you wait until the moment things start heating up, it could feel like a sudden rejection to your partner, which can lead to misunderstandings or even hurt feelings. Discussing it in a calm, non-s***** setting allows both of you to talk openly and rationally.
2. Aiming for the Second or Third Date
If the topic doesn’t come up on its own, aim to bring it up by the second or third date, especially if you feel a connection building. Executive matchmaker Jill Vandor suggests that if your date invites you back to their place, that’s a natural moment to set your boundaries. Politely let them know you’d love to spend more time together but that you’re not ready to take things to a physical level.
How to Approach the Topic Confidently
Talking about waiting until marriage to have s** doesn’t have to be a big, dramatic reveal. Approach the topic with honesty and openness, and remember—you’re sharing something meaningful about yourself, not asking for permission or validation.
1. Be Direct and Specific
It’s essential to be clear about what “waiting” means to you. People have different definitions of intimacy, so explaining what you’re comfortable with can prevent confusion. Dr. Klapow emphasizes the importance of defining what you consider to be “s**” and what other forms of physical intimacy you may or may not be open to. The clearer you are, the easier it will be for your partner to understand and respect your boundaries.
2. Emphasize the Positive
Rather than focusing on what you won’t do, try discussing what physical intimacy does mean to you. This approach shows your date that intimacy isn’t off-limits—it just has a different meaning for you. Share the types of closeness you’re comfortable with, whether that’s holding hands, kissing, or cuddling. By shifting the focus to what you do enjoy, you can create a more positive and inviting tone for the conversation.
Handling Your Date’s Reaction
Once you’ve shared your choice, it’s essential to give your date the space to process what you’ve told them. Remember, you can’t control how someone will react, but you can approach their response with empathy and understanding.
1. Be Prepared for Different Reactions
Your date may fully support your decision, or they might have a different perspective. Either way, be prepared for the possibility that they may need time to think about whether they’re on the same page. Just as you have the right to wait, they have the right to decide if that aligns with their own values and expectations. If your date’s reaction is less than supportive, it’s a sign that they might not be the right match for you.
2. Watch for Respectful Responses
A respectful partner will honor your boundaries and appreciate your honesty. If your date becomes dismissive, makes hurtful jokes, or tries to pressure you into changing your mind, take it as a red flag. Dr. Klapow advises that someone who genuinely cares about you should be able to accept your choices, even if they don’t share them.
Setting Boundaries Without Guilt
Setting boundaries is a vital part of any healthy relationship. Clearly communicating your boundaries not only helps you protect your values but also helps you feel more in control of your relationship. Here’s how to reinforce your decision without feeling guilty or insecure:
1. Remind Yourself of Your Values
Staying true to your choice to wait until marriage is a reflection of your values. It’s a deeply personal decision, so remind yourself why this is important to you. Whether it’s based on religious beliefs, personal convictions, or simply a sense of timing, your reasons are valid and worthy of respect.
2. Stand Firm with Confidence
It’s natural to feel a little nervous when having this conversation, but the more you practice, the easier it becomes. Dr. Klapow suggests rehearsing what you plan to say with a friend or even writing it down. Practicing can help you become more comfortable with your message, making it easier to communicate confidently on your date.
Moving Forward: What If They’re Not on the Same Page?
Compatibility goes beyond chemistry; it includes shared values, mutual respect, and a willingness to support each other’s choices. If you find that you and your date have vastly different views on sex and intimacy, it may be a sign that you’re not as compatible as you initially thought. And that’s okay!
A healthy relationship is built on shared values and mutual understanding. If your date chooses to walk away because of your stance on waiting until marriage, it simply means you’re freeing yourself to find someone who aligns with your values.
Conclusion
Waiting until marriage to have s** is a significant choice, one that reflects your personal beliefs and values. Talking about it with a potential partner doesn’t have to be uncomfortable or intimidating. By timing the conversation thoughtfully, expressing your views with clarity, and respecting your own boundaries, you can navigate this discussion with confidence.
Remember, the right person will respect and support your decision. In sharing your choice, you’re not only setting the foundation for a meaningful relationship, but you’re also honoring yourself and your values. So take a deep breath, trust in your reasons, and let the conversation unfold naturally. The right partner will embrace not just your decision but the values that make you who you are.
